Like it or not, the ‘Banter is ready to pass judgment on the sartorial landscape of the 2013/14 Premiership once again. As always, and in keeping with the spirit of the greatest sporting league on the planet, there are winners and losers. In fact, were you to rank the best and worst-dressed teams this year you would, with a few
exceptions, come out with a fairly accurate depiction of the final table in April 2014. Are we making assumptions? Of course we are.
All together now…
exceptions, come out with a fairly accurate depiction of the final table in April 2014. Are we making assumptions? Of course we are.
All together now…
Arsenal
Only the away jersey changes for the Gooners this year, and it’s a spiffy prospect: you can almost picture Michael Thomas breaking my 11-year old heart in this speedy-looking thing.
Aston Villa
What can you say about Villa’s prospects for this season? They’ll be wearing another derivative of the classic claret and blue worn by the English Football Underclass, which doesn’t really say “classic” so much as it does “perennial outsider.”
Only the away jersey changes for the Gooners this year, and it’s a spiffy prospect: you can almost picture Michael Thomas breaking my 11-year old heart in this speedy-looking thing.
Aston Villa
What can you say about Villa’s prospects for this season? They’ll be wearing another derivative of the classic claret and blue worn by the English Football Underclass, which doesn’t really say “classic” so much as it does “perennial outsider.”
Cardiff City
The front should probably say ‘Cardiff’ on it instead of ‘Malaysia’, no?
Chelsea
Juan Mata is lame, but Chelsea’s away jersey still manages to lend the little imp a splendidly dangerous air. As usual, neither Chelsea strip is remotely broken, hence no fixing required. Bonus: Adidas did a great ‘blue paint’ jersey launch, which reminds none too little of this.
The front should probably say ‘Cardiff’ on it instead of ‘Malaysia’, no?
Chelsea
Juan Mata is lame, but Chelsea’s away jersey still manages to lend the little imp a splendidly dangerous air. As usual, neither Chelsea strip is remotely broken, hence no fixing required. Bonus: Adidas did a great ‘blue paint’ jersey launch, which reminds none too little of this.
Crystal Palace
A few too many visits to Selhurst Park at the turn of the century (can we say that yet?) have left a soft spot in my heart for Palace. And, as happens every eight or so years, the Eagles are back in the, ahem, top flight. They’ll be looking good, too, particularly on the away front. Palace’s EPL campaign may meet with a depressing end, but it will, at least, have been a tidy start; a lot like this, actually.
A few too many visits to Selhurst Park at the turn of the century (can we say that yet?) have left a soft spot in my heart for Palace. And, as happens every eight or so years, the Eagles are back in the, ahem, top flight. They’ll be looking good, too, particularly on the away front. Palace’s EPL campaign may meet with a depressing end, but it will, at least, have been a tidy start; a lot like this, actually.
Everton
The Toffees are renowned (in my head, at least) for consistently excellent jerseys, but this year’s offering may have jumped the shark. To be clear, I’m struggling with the stripes: they’re sharp, but they look a little too “Gap,” if you get my drift. Further troubling is the strip’s resemblance to that of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who will continue their 46-year run of title-free indignity with another season of anguish and heartache.
The Toffees are renowned (in my head, at least) for consistently excellent jerseys, but this year’s offering may have jumped the shark. To be clear, I’m struggling with the stripes: they’re sharp, but they look a little too “Gap,” if you get my drift. Further troubling is the strip’s resemblance to that of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who will continue their 46-year run of title-free indignity with another season of anguish and heartache.
Fulham
This loathsome deep ‘v’ design Adidas has been shilling around Europe this year really sticks in my craw. I guarantee Berbatov had no problem declining the offer to appear in this shoot. I can see it now: the Bulgarian relaxing at Fulham’s training facility, idly waving a Gitane at the club’s publicity intern, and intoning, “Photograph me? In that? No, no, no. Not this year. Not ever. If you want photograph you had better send Duff and Sidwell.”
This loathsome deep ‘v’ design Adidas has been shilling around Europe this year really sticks in my craw. I guarantee Berbatov had no problem declining the offer to appear in this shoot. I can see it now: the Bulgarian relaxing at Fulham’s training facility, idly waving a Gitane at the club’s publicity intern, and intoning, “Photograph me? In that? No, no, no. Not this year. Not ever. If you want photograph you had better send Duff and Sidwell.”
Hull City
There are a few clubs peddling this stock Adidas stripey-job this year, and really, shame on them: give the fans something to cheer about other than the thrill of beating Liverpool at Anfield! And what about the change kit? It must rankle with Hull’s players that they’ll be forced to play away from home dressed like the Russian handball team. Double shame! Were Jimmy Bullard still around he’d surely have a word…
There are a few clubs peddling this stock Adidas stripey-job this year, and really, shame on them: give the fans something to cheer about other than the thrill of beating Liverpool at Anfield! And what about the change kit? It must rankle with Hull’s players that they’ll be forced to play away from home dressed like the Russian handball team. Double shame! Were Jimmy Bullard still around he’d surely have a word…
Liverpool
The only things worse than Liverpool’s 90’s liquidation-blowout-sale second and third jerseys are its chances of qualifying for the Europa League and keeping Luis Suarez. Christ- when did we turn into Middlesborough?
The only things worse than Liverpool’s 90’s liquidation-blowout-sale second and third jerseys are its chances of qualifying for the Europa League and keeping Luis Suarez. Christ- when did we turn into Middlesborough?
Manchester City
No complaints again for Shitty City. The black strip is sleek-as-you-like, and to my mind, positions the club as a type of Premiership Illuminati. How awesome would it be if they abandoned traditional tunnel entrances in favour of swarming the stadium like The Shield all year long? Answer: it’d be pretty awesome. If you’re gonna be the Premiership’s secret society, you gotta LIVE it. Oh man, do I love The Shield.
No complaints again for Shitty City. The black strip is sleek-as-you-like, and to my mind, positions the club as a type of Premiership Illuminati. How awesome would it be if they abandoned traditional tunnel entrances in favour of swarming the stadium like The Shield all year long? Answer: it’d be pretty awesome. If you’re gonna be the Premiership’s secret society, you gotta LIVE it. Oh man, do I love The Shield.
Manchester United
More important than United’s 2013/14 jerseys - which really could be any jerseys of theirs from the last five years - is how long David Moyes will be able to function as an Alex Ferguson stand-in before abruptly submitting to a science fiction-style self destruction sequence on the sidelines? I, for one, cannot wait.
Newcastle United
There’s a not-insubstantial part of me that resents having to write about Newcastle at all. Blah blah blah, black-and-white-stripes- you’re the Magpies and your big, fat fans don’t wear shirts to your games. Who cares? You guys are the worst.
More important than United’s 2013/14 jerseys - which really could be any jerseys of theirs from the last five years - is how long David Moyes will be able to function as an Alex Ferguson stand-in before abruptly submitting to a science fiction-style self destruction sequence on the sidelines? I, for one, cannot wait.
Newcastle United
There’s a not-insubstantial part of me that resents having to write about Newcastle at all. Blah blah blah, black-and-white-stripes- you’re the Magpies and your big, fat fans don’t wear shirts to your games. Who cares? You guys are the worst.
Norwich City
No Grant Holt this year, but in leaving the Canaries in favour of a “Europa League opportunity” with Wigan in the Championship (ha!), Holty bequeathed to Snodgrass et al a clutch of acceptable jerseys for the coming season. I’m fond of the change kit, mostly for its lack of any combination of yellow and green. Extra props to Errea for knocking it out of the park once more with the promotional photos. Someone’s really got the pedal to the metal over in that art department.
No Grant Holt this year, but in leaving the Canaries in favour of a “Europa League opportunity” with Wigan in the Championship (ha!), Holty bequeathed to Snodgrass et al a clutch of acceptable jerseys for the coming season. I’m fond of the change kit, mostly for its lack of any combination of yellow and green. Extra props to Errea for knocking it out of the park once more with the promotional photos. Someone’s really got the pedal to the metal over in that art department.
Southampton
There’s that deep ‘v’ again; I actually don’t mind the black iteration, but it still doesn’t moot the fact that Southampton is the most vanilla club in the Premiership: nice little seaside town with a nice little stadium and a nice little anthem that everyone on the planet can sing. Challenge: name me one player in the side. Okay, I know Artur Boruc because I once saw him play for Celtic at Livingstone, but that’s hardly living, now is it?
There’s that deep ‘v’ again; I actually don’t mind the black iteration, but it still doesn’t moot the fact that Southampton is the most vanilla club in the Premiership: nice little seaside town with a nice little stadium and a nice little anthem that everyone on the planet can sing. Challenge: name me one player in the side. Okay, I know Artur Boruc because I once saw him play for Celtic at Livingstone, but that’s hardly living, now is it?
Stoke City
What a promo! People literally PAY MONEY for copywriting like Stoke ElectriCITY. It should’ve been mine! What a headline! What a club! And I love that Robert Huth looks like a dirt-stained Roman Abramovich in this photo. Home shirt: sleepytime. Away shirt: Stoke ElectriCITY!
Sunderland
Everything about this kit is boring, serviceable, and so painfully Sunderland that I want to cry. The away shirt has an oddly Romanian flavour to it. So does John O’Shea, for that matter.
What a promo! People literally PAY MONEY for copywriting like Stoke ElectriCITY. It should’ve been mine! What a headline! What a club! And I love that Robert Huth looks like a dirt-stained Roman Abramovich in this photo. Home shirt: sleepytime. Away shirt: Stoke ElectriCITY!
Sunderland
Everything about this kit is boring, serviceable, and so painfully Sunderland that I want to cry. The away shirt has an oddly Romanian flavour to it. So does John O’Shea, for that matter.
Swansea City
I want to know more about Michu. Let’s start with what was going through his head during the shoot for these promos: so sexy. I say this to Michu: Relax. You popped in 18 last year - big deal. This fall the league will have you figured out like a rubber-armed triple-A pitcher with a meatball slider, so maybe you can stop pretending you’re Totti.
I want to know more about Michu. Let’s start with what was going through his head during the shoot for these promos: so sexy. I say this to Michu: Relax. You popped in 18 last year - big deal. This fall the league will have you figured out like a rubber-armed triple-A pitcher with a meatball slider, so maybe you can stop pretending you’re Totti.
Tottenham Hotspur
I never get tired of a good Spurs kit. What I am tired of are Gareth Bale’s haircuts and boyish good looks. On another note, I love Hugo Lorris’ expressions in these promos. He looks completely baffled at being included, but also secretly rather chuffed. Cette kit est vraiment beaux! Ca marche!
I never get tired of a good Spurs kit. What I am tired of are Gareth Bale’s haircuts and boyish good looks. On another note, I love Hugo Lorris’ expressions in these promos. He looks completely baffled at being included, but also secretly rather chuffed. Cette kit est vraiment beaux! Ca marche!
West Bromwich Albion
I was talking with the head of Arsenal’s Canadian supporters club the other day. He helps out with a podcast premised on local club experts debating each other on a weekly basis. In describing his search for an Albion supporter located literally anywhere in Southern Ontario, his near-exact words were, “There are none to be found. I’m desperate. I’d take Rob Ford at this point.” Desperate indeed.
I was talking with the head of Arsenal’s Canadian supporters club the other day. He helps out with a podcast premised on local club experts debating each other on a weekly basis. In describing his search for an Albion supporter located literally anywhere in Southern Ontario, his near-exact words were, “There are none to be found. I’m desperate. I’d take Rob Ford at this point.” Desperate indeed.
West Ham United
I may come to regret proclaiming that I’m buying what West Ham’s selling this year, but whatever; they finally had sense to get rid of the garish betting sponsor and bring in a few decent designs from a respectable kit supplier. In this promo Kevin Nolan looks like an extra on Eastenders, where he plays, inevitably, a tough-minded drifter with a sensitive heart. Actually, this is probably his exact role at West Ham, too. Am I that far off?
I may come to regret proclaiming that I’m buying what West Ham’s selling this year, but whatever; they finally had sense to get rid of the garish betting sponsor and bring in a few decent designs from a respectable kit supplier. In this promo Kevin Nolan looks like an extra on Eastenders, where he plays, inevitably, a tough-minded drifter with a sensitive heart. Actually, this is probably his exact role at West Ham, too. Am I that far off?
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