The last couple of weeks have seen many different players change clubs due to the imminent closing of the transfer window in England. Players move to clubs for one of two reasons…… money or trophies! Simple as that! Now you all know that I am a United fan and am not yet concerned with the players being brought in by the laser blues from the other side, but Samir Nasri is an odd one. I gave him praise when under immense speculation he played a decent game against Liverpool and then he ups and leaves to Ciddy and starts coming out with,” if United had have come in for me I would have went to City anyway.” One reason el Frenchie – the francs (well now the euros). Mancini said it too, “Chelsea and Man United know we can compete with them to bring in the best players.” One reason Roberto – cash, spondulicks, green, benjamins!!!!!  Right that’s enough of the Ciddy bashing; let’s get on to some fining!!!

Luka Modric (Tottenham) – This one has been brewing all summer when obviously the player had his head turned by offers from Chelsea and the glorious amounts of money he could earn under Roman’s Regime.  He didn’t play in the United game as Redknapp knew his ‘head wasn’t right.’ Fair play to Harry, but now it transpires that Modric asked not be played in the Ciddy game, at 11:30am on Sunday morning, a mere 3 and a half hours before kickoff, nonetheless. It’s not as if you are moving to another part of England, you are moving across London (about 60 mins in traffic). Please take a leaf from Nasri’s book. He played against Liverpool and told Wenger he wanted to play even though he knew he was a day away from signing for Ciddy! There is a little bit of loyalty there. Luka you may end up at Chelsea but you have to behave in the way that many footballers don’t these days. With RESPECT! Aretha Franklin sang a song about it. So you are our first nominee this week. Earns about $120,000 per week (saves $240,000)  FETWW Advice: Get your head back in the game little man

FC Sion (Switzerland) – It gave me great pleasure last week to come back from work and check out the scores for the Europa Cup Qualifiers, both Celtic and Rangers were knocked out of Europe by top teams – FC Sion and Maribor, respectively. Yes teams that only a soccer freak would know of or people from Switzerland and Slovenia. I have family and friends that support both teams and I am really happy that they don’t have to endure a European season. Celtic fans you can follow Shamrocks Rovers (they have Hoops too). Rangers, its Chelsea for you men. Anyways, Celtic could get back in due to those idiots at FC Sion. Switzerland is a nice country with cheese, banks, knives and pleasantness. They don’t break the rules. Well apart from Sion.  They fielded 5 players! Yes 5 players that in the eyes of FIFA were ineligible to play in the competition.  I can see a little oversight in 1 player, but 5 that is taking the mickey. I am not saying Celtic deserves a spot in the group stages, but if a club breaks the rules then they deserved to be punished. Not only do you lose television money, but probably lose European football for a few years. Get used to staying in Switzerland. Club administration earns about $150,000 per week (saves $30,000)  FETWW ADVICE: Let’s make sure players are eligible next time

Philipp Lahm (Bayern Munich) – Now don’t get me wrong I think this lad is a fantastic player who can play at either fullback positions. The thing that has come out recently is that he has been mouthing off in a book of his life. How old are you lad?  You are still only 27 and you are coming out with statements in your book – “The Subtle Difference – How to Become a Top Footballer Today,” is proper wrong. Did David Beckham ever say anything in his numerous books about the cleat in the head incident with Fergie? No! I know players bring out books throughout their careers to make money and have a little nest egg when they finally hang up their boots, but come on son. The name of the book appeals to young kids in Germany; after all you are the German National Team captain and a lot of German kids look up to you. So a young lad who adores you goes and buys the book thinking he will know how to become a top footballer. He will learn how to criticize coaches, attack other players and former players and coaches. Rudi Voeller and Jurgen Klinsmann are players that have won World Cups with Germany and are legends of the game in Germany and you have stained them because you didn’t like what they were doing. I don’t understand it. You play for the best team in Germany and National Team Captain, what other exposure do you need. Certainly not this! Welcome to the FETWW club.  Earns $120,000 per week (saves $240,000).  FETWW ADVICE – Let your feet do the talking, ya goat!

Arsene Wenger (Arsenal) – Now I feel sorry for Arsene, he is too good a coach for his team to be humiliated last week (United thumped them 8-2 if you didn’t hear) and suggestions of him throwing in the towel are absurd.  He has brought success to Arsenal since he became their coach. He has made them some money to invest in the club in the future. In years to come their will be Nasri’s and Fabregas’ in abundance that he will help the club find. He just made about $100 million on these two after buying them for next to nothing a good few years ago. As football is a huge business, great return on investment Arsene.  That is not the reason you will be getting FETWW.

You got banned from the touchline last season after your defeat to Barcelona in the ECL after criticizing a very poor referee who didn’t deserve such a tie. Rules are rules and you broke them. You were accused of handing notes to your other coaches and this practice is not permitted when serving a touchline ban. You were informed by match delegates during half-time and thus had to abstain.  Yet, UEFA decided to punish you more and give you a further two game ban. I am very surprised that you didn’t get away with that considering you are French and UEFA are run by a Frenchman, who lets his country away with cheating. You have been nominated to the FETWW role of honor. Earns about $80,000 per week (saves $160,000).  FETWW ADVICE – Keep your head up son, would rather see you in the game than out of it

Well it’s been a long summer and a summer that I didn’t think would bring us any controversial incidents that could fill the pages of FETWW.  Well how wrong could I be?  During the summer of only one big competition there were plenty of people that could have been fined.  Carlos Tevez was brilliant this summer, so funny. He said he didn’t like Manchester and they didn’t have any good restaurants. Liar! Babylon on Oxford Road offers pizza for 2 pounds, Allens’ Fried Chicken was always good after Royales and The Curry Mile is sublime!  The failure of the US women’s team this summer, when the tournament was theirs to win after great quarterfinal and semi-final wins, to fall to an unfancied Japan. I think I could have written an entire article on that failure. I will probably get stick from the female readers, but I have to say it. I think Sundhage made some bad decisions and a team of experienced players couldn’t hold a lead – TWICE! I must say one bright spot was the further emergence of Alex Morgan…..need I say more.

The “will he/won’t he” scenario that is Cesc Fabregas is at an end, and I am sure we are all glad it’s over. I was almost on the phone to Newcastle United after they fined Joey Barton two weeks wages for his comments on Twitter. I should have trademarked it!  No doubt Barton will figure prominently during this season. Mario Balotelli was at again over the summer. I am not a big fan of ciddy, but Roberto Mancini gained a lot of my respect when he pulled that joker off for trying to “showboat” in a pre-season game in the USA. I also want to add the fact that MLS picked a team of All-Stars that maybe could compete with Manchester United after last year’s humbling, as opposed to a team of players that have played excellent throughout the season. This was an utter shame. Same result humbled, embarrassed and outplayed and the oldest of them all stayed on the field the longest. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that he is a Red for Life!   So here we go with the first edition of FETWW for the 2011/12 and guess who our first nomination is…………

Joey Barton (Newcastle) – The Scouse midfielder who everyone loves to hate, has given me a few laughs on his Twitter account but this weekend he really made me despise him and further fuel the fire and hate that everyone has against him. I know people hate divers and Gervinho needed to be taught a lesson, but Joey let the referee deal with that. I know he dived but your dive was pathetic. A little slap on the face and you go down like a sack of spuds (my da would say something different there)! Here I was thinking that you were a hard man from Liverpool.  To boot you have a ridiculous New Romantic hair cut.  So it was quite easy to fine you and then you said you were “not proud” of the altercation. That could be a double fine, but Newcastle have already find you two weeks, now it’s my turn - $100,000 per week saves $200,000.

FETWW – Stop all your scouse jibber jabber

Robbie Keane (LA Galaxy) – Oh my God, son what have you gone and done?  You have at least 4 or 5 years left in you to play at a decent level in the EPL, but now you go and choose the warmer, more chilled out climate of LA. I wonder where your priorities lie, I would say in your bank account! One last payday mate? I know you are the captain of OUR country but come on son, you can do better than MLS. I understand the MLS has improved significantly over the past few years, but just look at the results in pre-season friendlies, did MLS at the height of their season win one? I am struggling to remember. So Robbie is going for the tail end of the MLS season and will probably be playing for someone on loan back in England come the end of the season. I am still perplexed by this and even when Lalas and Twellman present a good picture of the state of football here in America, it’s just not the same as the EPL every week. Winding down towards retirement Robbie?  Maybe you can take the place of Keith Costigan when you retire!  I don’t know how much you will be on at LA but we will find out very soon. I would say $70,000 per week – saves $140,000.

FETWW – Started the retirement fund too early

Andre Villas-Boas (Chelsea) – Surely this young manager was given the run down on Sunday’s opponents from his staff and his players and even Roberto DiMatteo ( who coached at WBA last season). Surely he knew what to expect. Well it seems like he wasn’t. Stoke do what there good at, it’s all part of the game. They are physical and will kick you from 1st to 90th minute (I believe UMass Amherst Women’s Soccer adopt the same strategy). They can also play football at times too. Tony Pulis has kept Stoke in the EPL for the last few years and if he was to change his game plan, I don’ think they would last.  Villa-Boas has got expect that. One of his predecessors coined the term “sexy football”, but Ruud Gullitt wasn’t talking about Stoke! Villas-Boas complained to the high heavens about the physical nature of Stoke’s play, but if that’s how to get a result against a team destined to challenge for honors, then so be it.  The new Chelsea manager, commented, “ the pushing and pulling in the box is out of this world”, he then continued “I want to draw the referees attention to it as it seems they need help with it.” I am sure the Portuguese will find himself in hot water with the FA, wait no he is the manager of Chelsea, he will be fine. I would like to officially welcome AVB as he is referred to the role of honor for FETWW. I would say $75,000 per week – saves $150,000

FETWW advice – Stop complaining and get on with it!

Steve Kean (Blackburn Rovers) – Taxi for Kean. Well that will be the shout in the Blackburn Rovers players’ lounge for the next 18 months (provided he doesn’t get the sack). Last May, after Manchester United won their 19th title at Ewood Park, Kean was stopped by police. He was found to be twice the legal limit after a breathalyzer test.  To try and lessen the punishment, Kean claimed that his drink was spiked. That would then have been Fergie celebrating with a glass of wine. He supposedly sped past police officers at 90mph as the officers were doing 50mph. So Steve not only are you not smart for drink driving, but to say your drink was spiked and not accept responsibility for what you have done is shocking. Yeah, there must be someone out there trying to get Steve Kean, manager of Blackburn Rovers drunk!!!! Do you not think they would go for more illustrious managers like SAF, Jose Mourinho, Arsene Wenger etc…..? I would say $50,000 per week – saves $100,000.

FETWW advice – Never, ever drink and drive and don’t say you got spiked